4 Ways to Say Hello
Putting down roots as a TCK or Expat
Illustration of a girl greeting with a bow and a boy extending his hand for a handshake, representing cross-cultural connection and friendship.
A few years ago I wrote a blog post called 4 Simple Ways to say Goodbye, describing 4 practices to mark endings and goodbyes. This season, fall for the northern hemisphere, often marks the beginning of new things. For some school systems, this is the first term of the school year. For others this season may mark the beginning of a new job, a move to a new city or country. Putting down roots takes time.
For third culture kids, now adults, or expats alike, transitions may activate our attachment patterns. Some of us go fast and deep in search of connection. With others, we might remain detached, non committal, or even isolate to protect ourselves from loss. When we have just left what is known and familiar it makes sense that we don’t know how to put down roots in a new place. Here are 4 ways to begin saying hello and to practice putting down roots:
1. Throw the box away.
When I moved to the States for uni, I kept my cardboard moving boxes quite literally more than 10 years after I settled in. The same cardboard boxes broken down and retaped over and over again to store or move my slowly accumulated books. By the end I had 13 permanent addresses in the first 11 years, so this made sense, right? It did to a practical degree of not having to track down cardboard boxes every time I moved. But on an emotional level I didn’t allow myself to settle and stay. When at last I found somewhere I wanted and knew I could stay for at least a year, I threw the now-tattered moving box away, symbolically to give my heart permission to remain.
Perhaps for you it is not throwing away the moving box. Perhaps it is nailing a piece of art to the wall. I never never did put any nails in the walls because I of the deep fear I had or would choose to move in just a few months. What is something you can do symbolically to let you self stay, perhaps just a little longer?
2. Stay a little connected to what is familiar.
When you are starting new you don’t have to start completely from scratch. Stay connected with friends or family at home, maintain a routine. This is part of how you can care for your grief. For me it was cooking comfort food every few weeks. And even sharing it with others.
3. Let yourself like a place.
This might seem silly or obvious. But sometimes when you have been moving to so many places its easy to compare everything to where you have before, and hate why your current place is different or what it lacks. The food was better there. People were friendlier there. I felt more at home there. You don’t have to call it home yet (for me it too me leaving one of my homes of 10 years before calling it ‘home’). Try to let yourself genuinely find what you like about the place you are in You can miss the other place and allow yourself to belong here.
4. Let yourself be known. Make the first move.
As TCKs, often hate small talk because we want to dive deep quickly and skip the formaities. We might hold unrealistic expectations for new friends to jump in that quickly and deeply. Sometimes, small talk is needed to build familiarity, find common ground, or create low-pressure connection. Remember that it is okay if the other person doesn’t fully understand us yet. You might be misunderstood. You might struggle to understand the new culture. It is okay to have mixed feelings about being known.
Vulnerability is UNCOMFORTABLE and can feel risky to invest in a friendship if you are not sure you will feel belonging. Remember that you contribute to someone else’s belonging as much as they can contribute to yours. So take a risk. Put yourself out there. Sometimes its okay to be the one to make the first move and reach out.
For TCKs and expats it can feel daunting to know how to put down roots as you say hello to a new place. It can feel daunting when you’re starting over somewhere new. I hope there is gentleness and self compassion with yourself as you let yourself settle in and put down roots.
If you’re struggling to find connection, belonging, or a sense of home, therapy or coaching can offer a space to slow down, make sense of your experience, and explore what it might look like to put down roots of your own.